lonely soul

lonely soul

Wednesday, 26 December 2012

fatty

don't fat people deserve to be happy too?

I don't believe in those movies where a fat girl gets the dream guy...
realistically everyone look at the outer appearance of someone..

a girl will like a handsome guy who dresses smartly, coolly, with a hot body
and a guy will like a hot woman with a sexy curvaceous body and big asset...

i dreamt that i met the guy of my dream and confessed
but the reply was disappointing...
i was rejected..
the reason was simple enough.. coz i was  am FAT

i kept having the same dream over and over again but different people..
everyone was the same

am i not meant for a happy ending??
did i do something so bad that i dont deserve my happy ever after???
whatever it is...

i kept being tormented because i am fat...
by my friends (whether they meant it or not)
by my family (they just like to rip apart any self esteem i have or had)
by my classmates

everyone assume that i purposely stuff myself to death so that i could be fat and i love being fat...
no one really knows what i have to face through... what i had to endure...

i tried dieting but it just made me gain more weight...
i tried jogging but it made my breast jiggle and i dont like that....
they say i made excuses and that i dont even try.... is it??
i even tried puking back what i have eaten but that just make me more pathetic...
they laugh at all the effort i make...
am i worth living?

i'm just turning back here because i have no one to talk to
no one who would understand me
and i just want someone to listen to me
not judge me or criticise me...
 just be with me..
not let me be alone
it's all i am asking





Sunday, 25 November 2012

The Best And Worst Day of My Life Rolled Into One

Well today I went to The Mines. 
I'M HAPPY BECAUSE......
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 was so cool!!!
Broke my all time bowling record which was 110. I got 150.... 
*applause for myself*

IT'S A !^$%^#@#%^ DAY BECAUSE.....
I fell....

Ok.... i know i'ts normal for people to fall but just hear me out.. 
It happened like this....
I went to the surau in The Mines and was preparing to take my wuduk... the place is not really good.. the floor was wet (almost like a pool*exaggerating*)... i was walking there and then i fell...
well if it is a normal fell i wouldn't be soooooo worked up over it but.......
it was wet and i was wearing a light coloured attire.... 
my pants were wet and also the bottom part of my shirt .....
WET!!!!!!
i had to walk around in a wet pants....
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
such a bad ending to a lovely day.....
=(

Thursday, 13 September 2012

Because YOU are MINE : an AMIRIN fan fiction (oneshot)


“Hey, let’s go lunch.” Fakhirin said to Amir.
                “You go first. I don’t feeling like it.” Amir declined Fakhirin’s request.
                “Then whom will I be eating lunch with?” Fakhirin showed him a sad face.
                “You can go eat with Amore and others. It’s not like I’m the only guy friend you have.”
                “Amir, you’ve never skipped your lunch before this. Is there something wrong?” Fakhirin asked with a concern look on his face.
                Amir sighed. “No. everything’s fine. I’m just stressed out with assignments and stuffs.”
                “Are you su……,” Fakhirin’s words came to a stop when Amore enters the class.
                “Fakhirin, let’s eat! It’ll be my treat today!” Amore said to Fakhirin with a wide grin on his face.
                “Oh wow really? Why you suddenly become so generous today?” Fakhirin said. He laughed as he being pulled by Amore, moving towards the door.
                “Ah wait,” Fakhirin forced Amore to stop, turning his body backward to face Amir. “Amir, we’ll have Calculus class after this. Let’s eat lunch together okay.” He said to Amir while his left hand still locked in Amore’s hand.
                For a moment Amir stared at their locked hands. He covered his face with his right palm to avoid eye contact with Fakhirin.
                “You two just go! I’ll be fine here alone!” Amir shouted at both of them, making Fakhirin startled with his sudden act.
                “Fakhirin, let’s go. Maybe Amir has personal problems.” Amore said, his hand still pulling Fakhirin’s. Amore’s strength is enough to pull Fakhirin only with his hand since he is quite muscular.               
                “O…okay,” Fakhirin said.



Amir watched as Fakhirin and Amore disappeared from his sight. He felt himself miserable than ever. Since the incident he witnessed the other day, he cannot stop thinking about his best friend. Whether or not he has any feelings to him.

                “Yah, wait for me!” Fakhirin shouted to Amore.
                “Ahaha, catch me if you can, tortoise!” Amore hurriedly running away from Fakhirin. Fakhirin was unable to catch up on him since Amore is quite fast.
                “Give me that back!”
                “You’re not go...” Amore stopped his running when he saw Fakhirin tripped. Slowly, he approached Fakhirin.
                “Here you go,” He gave the keychain to Fakhirin back. “Geez why would you trip on yourself when running. You’re such a mama boy,” Amore teased. “And what’s so important about the keychain anyway?”
                Fakhirin smiled. “This keychain is from a very important person in my life. I couldn’t bear to lost it.” He said as he reached out his hand to get the keychain from Amore.
                “It was from a girl, right? She must be cute, huh?” Amore laughed.
                “Yeah, of course.” They both laughed.
Without their notice, Amir silently watched from afar. He felt jealous and curious at the same time of what conversation they might have. And why are they running earlier? He sighed.

He should not have that kind of feelings to Fakhirin.
Because they are both males.
                “It can’t be, right? Arghhh!” Amir mumbled to himself. This is all so wrong.  There are a lot of pretty girls out there. Why would he fall for him? His very own best friend? And most importantly, what would Fakhirin react when he knew about this?
Right. He decided to let Fakhirin know his feelings towards him. Then only he could stay calm. He could not control himself seeing Fakhirin with other guys.
                “Tomorrow I’ll tell him,” Amir whispered to himself.



Fakhirin closed the room’s door. His roommate is not going to be at home tonight.
He suddenly remembered that day’s incident. He dashed to rummage his sling bag to find his important belonging. Since it is so small it will take time to find it.
Fakhirin stopped. He stared at it for quite a long time. And before he knew it, the keychain had already kept in his locker.
                “What’s wrong with you today, Amir? Were you mad with me? Or had you found out that I have loved you all this while?” He let out a big sight. The keychain Amir gave him during his birthday should not be brought to school. Earlier today Amore tried to throw it away. He had been so panicked just now.
But Amir would probably think of him as a weird guy for liking a person of same gender with him.
This is why he did not have any courage to tell Amir that he likes him.
But he will always be his side.
And not letting any other guy become close to him.
Because he wants Amir to be only his.


credit to Perry...



PART 2

AMIRIN shipper!!

well well well... i haven't been going to this blog for so long that i even forgot it even exists. To start, first right now I'm in UNITEN... a private U in Malaysia... more on that later (if i feel like it)... the main point now is i want to talk about AMIRIN..... ok, he is not some fancy guy i admire or anything, AMIRIN is actually the name i use to refer to this three guys namely FAKHIRIN, AMIR and AMMORE.... haha.. don't get it wrong i'm not "in love" with them or anything... i started a love triangle between the three of them... it actually started with Fakhirin+Amir love story (this is made up and they don't really love each other... i think) and then it evolved when Fakhirin+Ammore love story starts...

haha.. i know it's ridiculous but i love it for the fun of it.... currently i'm like their no. one fan... i made a group in Facebook just so all the fans (about 5 of  us) could gossip more about them and... i even include the three of them in the group... haha... u must think they dont know about it but actually they do... haha... and that make it more fun to do so... we even have a fanfic of them (credit to my friend who doesn't want her name to be known=) )... i want to write a fanfic too but i feel that it is weird to write a yaoi story because i'm quite close to AMIRIN... (it just felt wrong to do so) but l'll give it a try one day....

i think that is enough about AMIRIN for know.. the point is I want to say that i am now an AMIRIN shipper!!  haha...
peace out!


the picture of AMIRIN for your (or mine) viewing pleasure..=P

Sunday, 6 May 2012

'Apa Khabar' by Red Soul

omg...i totally love this song because it is so adorable...the Red Soul boys wrote this while trying to learn greetings while they were in Malaysia... i so love them.. i knew this song from their official facebook page and they also included lyrics..

Song : Apa Khabar (Acoustic Ver.)


Lyrics
아파카바 (아파카바)
카바바익 (카바바익)
아파나마카무? (Yay Yay Ya)
나마사야 ...레드소울
줌파라기?

트리마카싷
사마 사마
카미 금비라 다탕 크말레이시아 (말레이시아)
Oh 줌파라기~
Yeah ^^


the lyrics were writen in hangul but it is actually in malay...

Lyrics
Apa khabar (apa khabar)
khabar baik (khbar baik)
apa nama kamu (Yay Yay Ya)
nama saya...red soul
jumpa lagi?

terima kasih
sama sama
kammi gembira datang ke Malaysia (Malaysia)
Oh jumpa lagi~
Yeah^^

aren't the boys cute... GO RED SOUL!!!!

p.s  are you Red Soul?? because i'm your SOULMATE!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, 3 May 2012

me vs my brother


by the way
this is me

and this is my brother......

Who do you think will win in a fight????

bye bye korea...

Well when others applied for MARA i bravely applied JPA....why????...because i wanted to go to korea...thats all....and i didnt make it...huhu....its kinda expected really cuz i didnt even met the requirement.....i got B+ for my Malay which at least required an A- so it wasnt really a surprise to me....bye bye korea.....

Wednesday, 21 March 2012

Making it harder

the hardest thing to bear is when people congratulate u when u know u dont deserve it....
every word seems like a rock being thrown at you...
blaming you...
but the only thing u can do is smile and laugh as if everything is alright when the truth is all u want to is cry....

Friday, 10 February 2012

Boarding school!!! is it that great???

ok firstly don't get me wrong with the title..i'm not trying to pick up a fight or anything... just so that we're clear i'm not someone who talks rubbish about boarding school students because i'm not one (eventhough i know the only person who probably will or wont read this is my pal and would never get the wrong idea)...the problem here is a was one...i was a boarding school student... i endured the 5 years of heaven and hell of a boarding school life...what usually remains in my memories are the sweet, embarassing ones, etc but recently i started thinking (havent done it for a while)...my mom asked me this questions:

-What do you feel about a boarding school life?
-Did you regret going to a boarding school?

and the most important question
WILL YOU SUGGEST SOMEONE TO GO TO A BOARDING SCHOOL/ YOUR SCHOOL?

i didnt answer her last questions..

my answer for the first was...yeah i had fun there. it was totally awesome..
to the second..no i was thankful i was there
i was thankful i had the opportunity to meet wonderful people from all states of malaysia.. to know the beauty of having friends outside of the world i'm used to....i dont think that i'm exaggerating anything..
by staying in a boarding school we learned how to survive...
we learn how to comunicate with others..
we learn how to compromise..
we learn how to respect each other's privacy...
etc

but after it i'm starting to regret one thing...we'll be far from each other...we faced heaven and hell together and now after 5 years we're apart... maybe others still meet occasionally but we cant avoid to have close friends and i cant help it if my closest friends live miles away from me... i'm stuck at home because i dont have any friends around....
it was kinda my fault for not keeping in touch with my friends from primary school but what was i to do.. everyone had their own handphone back then except me.. igot mine when i was in form3... others still have their old friends contact numbers but i did'nt so that kinda made me the worst one could have i ever wished not to have..

i am currently in the proccess of pursuading my parent to let me go to my friend's house... eventhough  i already know that i'm fighting a losing battle but i still want to give it a shot.. i dont think i would lose anything even if i try... i really miss travelling on a bus on my own... it's not that i dont like my family..its just that when i'm alone i'm forced to be independant..to survive and not just hide behind my mom..i tend to do that esp now that i'm trapped in this house without any contact to the outside world...

when i was in the all girls boarding school i developed this fear of talking to people of the opposite sex. starting the year 2010 a started slowly overcoming my fear and by 2011 i was cured( kinda)...now this year it started again.. worst this time because its not just fear to the opposite sex but to anyone who i dont know  (even my driving teacher)...

maybe all this problems arouse because i failed to conduct myself well... but i blame it on the poor exposure to outside people both at school and home... its horrible and terifying for me to even talk to my cousins and aunts because first i have issues in remembering names and second i often confuse the hierarchy  order.

so back to the story...the terrifying question aroused because my mom wanted me to advice a cousin who was worried about going to mrsm... she wanted me to list the advantages of going to a boarding school and the only advantage i could think of was the fame... and obviously i couldn't answer that....after a few moments after persuasion from my mom to think about the best thing i did at school i thought about the time i had not being at school, breaking the laws etc...and i could'nt provide this as and answer either...so it really did put me in a difficult situation... what i wanted to say to the mentioned cousin was 'save yourself' but i couldn't because she was not there and i cant pass the message to her mother...

in conclusion living was like heaven and hell for me in a boarding school.... i thought of committing suicide many times when i was in the down sometimes for no reason at all..but when you've got the hang of it school is a bliss...

Thursday, 26 January 2012

the girl who cant say goodbye the boy who cant leave

The girl who can’t say good bye
The boy that can’t leave
The two of us are no longer in love
So no no no no no no (x2)

Anywhere together in a 3000 dollar used car
Without a care in the world
Linking arms, committing memories in a photo
Understanding each other in our sleepless nights
My dreams became your future
A pair of beautiful birds chasing each other
A love I could never get enough of
A person I want to meet when reborn
But in front of this thing called time
We can’t win against our greed
Sounds of your tears alone in the bathroom
The suspicious gazes focused on me
As the days go by I think of breaking up again

The sun is hot but your heart is frozen
Whose fault is this? But I love you baby
Everything else is the same but we changed
Whose fault is this? I still love you baby

The girl who can’t say good bye
The boy that can’t leave
The two of us are no longer in love
So no no no no no no (x2)

I’m so busy that I feel guilty
I fill my wallet with money and make some time
Even though I don’t express my love
When I have dinner and watch a movie with you
I hope you might feel better but
I continue to be in debt to my thoughts
As I walk and tease you
it’s all a played out game
Love is passing,
Love and heartbreak are one and the same
Hearbreak takes love and goes away.

The sun is hot but your heart is frozen
Whose fault is this? But I love you baby
Everything else is the same but we changed
Whose fault is this? I still love you baby

The girl who can’t say good bye
The boy that can’t leave
The two of us are no longer in love
So no no no no no no (x2)

Love is passing,
Love and heartbreak are one and the same
Hearbreak takes love and goes away. (x2)

How nice would it be if love
was something that could be earned?
(It’s all a dream, holding your hand)
How nice would it be
if love was something to get by wanting it?
(It’s all a dream but I can’t escape)

The girl who can’t say good bye
The boy that can’t leave
The two of us are no longer in love
So no no no no no no (x2)

Are men caught in love done so because of weakness?
Are men starved of love not worthy of it?
Are men that keep secrets bad men?
Why is it that love changes?

Thursday, 12 January 2012

what friends are for

well hello there!!!
earlier i thought of a devilish  plan and even suicidal ones (not to that extend)... but than a friend contacted me.. she told me of a problem... the irony of the situation was it was exactly (more or so) what i was going through...  no one really know what i was going through  or didn't cared less... i was quite shocked at first because we haven't been in contact for about a month now and she chooses really when was in despair to contact me... i didn't know how much it cost to her but we talked for 57 minutes and 27 second exact... i guess what they say is true...what u give u get back... no matter if its good or bad... even though the problem weren't really solved it helped a lot to know that u are not alone in this world...so thank u my friend whom i truly doubt know the existence of this blog that i called Natul... thank u for hearing what i got to say... (actually she contacted me right after i cried)... 


well when talking about friend i would never forget this angel....to me shes an angel.. because she always knows what to say even when she doesn't know the whole story... we would simply talk of the the things that to others aren't important enough....but to us it is really important.. she had helped me in several occasions (whether she realised it or not) to forget my despair and pain even when i just cried and excused it as being sleepy( your eyes waters when you are sleepy) and make jokes just so i could laugh... even when i'm in my bad moods(those time in the month) she'll make me laugh just by being there...well she is no other than my pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika pika . im just really thankful to you for always being there..


there are many friends i would like too mention but im really sleepy right now... the point of my rambling is dont disregard your friend..they are the only ones u can lean one when family is out of the picture.. u always have to be careful not to annoy them (unless its your thing) and take good care of them... kamsahamnida chingu

Friday, 6 January 2012

Confession of a friend

It’s been a while
since my heart has been changing,
since I’ve been dealing with it lonesome..
every time you came back,
I hated the guy that made you cry

I’d rather protect you,
although I don’t know if it will make it better…

This time I’ll hold you and love you
is what I thought

Baby, come to me now
And be my lady
I’ve watched you for too long
I stood there with no words,
hiding my pitiful heart.

As a friend, to remain as friends,
I had to push the confessions down my throat
But now I’ll confess to you,
I love you…

You hold my hand and tell me you only have me
Keeping me as a friend,
you say it’s a blessing
Whenever you say let’s never change,
I had to push my feelings down

It might be best if I protect you,
not knowing if it will be better

I kept hearing it but I kept cool
I was too scared to lose you, but…

Baby (Baby) Come to me now (Come to me)
And be my lady (lady)
I’ve watched you for too long
I stood there with no words,
hiding my pitiful heart (No)

As a friend (Your friend), to remain as friends (I know),
I had to push the confessions down my throat (The overflowing words)

That confession (confession) I had to hold it in (I couldn’t say it)
But now I’ll confess to you,
I love you…

Thursday, 5 January 2012

mom and facebook

well eventhough its kinda too late, i learned that if your parent (esp mother) doesnt know about facebook, twitter etc just let them be. dont ever try to teach them how to use it. regretfully my mom has a facebook account and yeah she moniters every single thing i did. not enough with that her siblings (not mine) have their own facebook acount. i secretly wanted to unfriend them all but i was afraid i got caught. so i just bear with it.. i dont really care at first.. i started really caring yesterday when she said "don't thing what u did in fb i didnt already know" (she said this in malay).. i was taken aback for a moment there.. she was somehow (by the tone of it) thretening us.. i was like "what?".. i know she kinda have the right to do so but just do it quietly..dont brag about it to the world..


i have been away from home for five years and i was just used to the idea im alone in a state without any family or relatives.. to elaborate..i lived in selangor and went to school in johor... i got no relatives in johor... i survived the city alone with the help of my friends... that was when i'm 13 years old.. i survived (i feel like applauding myself)... what makes them think i cant handle myself now... i'm just sitting at home doing nothing..


well i have an older sister.. she likes playing with my mom's galaxy tab.. she likes to log in to her fb n twitter account from it.. but 'smartly' she didn't log out of it after using.. she is quite safe with fb because my mom uses it to so she has to log in so she will automaticly log out of my sister's profile...but for the twitter (my sister often use this one) there was no reason why my mother need to log out of it.. so secretly she moniters what my sister post tweet.


when my mother started her lecture on she'll monitor us (yada yada yada) i was thinking.. " ah dont worry just us the twitter next time" then she spilled the beans on my sister twitter account on her tab.. i was like ---------. this is the only place she wont know.. the only ones who knows about this blog is my pal pika and my younger brother because we're sharing the same laptop.


the moral of the story is dont ever influence your mother to open any social page because you'll regret it sooner or later..i'm just really thankful my dad is not interested in facebook related( even after persuasion from my mom;-) 

Wednesday, 4 January 2012

without a heart

If I say that I'm in pain, I'm scared that I'll really be in pain
If I say that I'm sad, I'm scared that I will shed my tears
Why don't I just laugh, just laugh, just laugh...
But people ask me why I'm crying...

Everyday I cry, I smile, cry then smile again
What's wrong with me, why do I do this repeditely?
Can't differentiate between bottles of alcohol and meals
So far in my life, I never felt pain this excruciating
Absentmindedly, I write your name over and over on a piece of paper
In a day, the paper becomes black and I finally let the pen go
I long for you, I hold on to my cellphone and let it go
my eyes are filling up with tears again, this seperation between us..

I'm without a heart, I don't have a heart
So I wouldn't be feeling pain
Everyday I talk to myself, and put myself under a spell
But even so, I keep shedding my tears

If I say that I'm in pain, I'm scared that I'll really be in pain
If I say that I'm sad, I'm scared that I will shed my tears
Why don't I just laugh, just laugh, just laugh...
But people ask me why I'm crying,
when I'm laughing like this...

After you left, I think I became a fool
I can't do, I can't do anything, so I die.
I shove myself into a corner and live
Without you there's nothing left to do
A day is too long, way too long
But what was I busy with, to make you feel so lonely,
when you wanted to go shopping, going out with my friends
was so easy, but why couldn't I do the same to you?
I always regretted being so slow,
I don't know if I'm really stupid, but I still can't let go of our bond.

I'm without a heart, I don't have a heart
Again today, I can see through your lies
My heart is in so much pain, I'm begging for your help
How can I smile in times like this?

If I say that I'm in pain, I'm scared that I'll really be in pain
If I say that I'm sad, I'm scared that I will shed my tears
Why don't I just laugh, just laugh, just laugh...
But people ask me why I'm crying,
when I'm laughing like this...

(let's smile) like couples in dramas
(let's smile) like the title of your blog
(let's smile) happy like in my past

I'm without a heart, I can't be in pain
I'm without a heart, I can't be in pain
Let's just laugh, just laugh, just laugh
Please, please let's stop crying now...

1st Drive

ok today i drived a real car..no i haven't gotten my license yet. i had a class and i realised today that i am completely clueless about automobil..i know for a fact that i didnt even knew the existence of clac in a manual car until just recently. i never knew it played such an important part in driving a anual car. luckily no one was injured in the process of teaching me how to drive( not so sure of that because i think the car secretly prays that i wont ride him again). now i have high respect to anyone who drive especially manual cars. i couldt even control the steering let alone control the clac. i kept going of track and i am so nervous of the driving.

i am currently enjoying my life as the passenger. after receiving my driving license (to come) i think i would just drive less than 1 km radius. i dont even know what people sees when they look at the back and side mirror. fyi it didnt help me for the three point park. the teacher look depressed teaching me. i didnt get a thing he said. i only followed his orders. and i dont even know his name..hahaha..

then i skipped lunch because 1st, i was so filled with adrenaline rush (i am laughing at myself for this) and 2nd because i didnt have any money. its not that im totally broke. i joked at my dad to give me pocket money and he just laugh it off... i cant just give away a hundred note just for a bottle of mineral water....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38kqFq0llPA&feature=related
i watched this and tears couldnt stop.. it doesnt have anything to do with drivng.. i'm just really annoying ...hehe
 

Monday, 2 January 2012

Dream Guy

MBLAQ GO

ok..the guy of my dream would have to be someone like him. some asked..why? well i dont really know. he just captures my heart. see he loves children just like i do (sometimes) so arent we're like made for each other. muahaha. i know that there are hundreds or even thousands of his fans out there. i'm just simply stating that he's like a (not-so-perfect-but-really-perfect) guy. hehe

i'm just simply trying to voice out an opinion (more to myself) and to fulfill my dream of having GO's pic in my blog..one dream*checked*.. i need to find other dreams..

Sunday, 1 January 2012

First post!!

Ok...Today i officially have a blog. muahahaha.i'm the king of the world!!( ok maybe queen). and also i'm using a new laptop..hehe..my dad got annoyed of us using his laptop for work and gave us a new one.. i'm loving my life<3. So just wanna say for the first post HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! May all your wishes for the year be fulfilled and may all of us become a better person. amin...